She exited the door of the hospital and stepped outside; she then slipped into the car, numb with the deep grief of fresh child loss. It was the emptiest her arms had ever felt....
"When a mother leaves the maternity ward," she murmured to herself, "she should be euphorically cradling a precious bundle of joy."
"I'm not", she reflected heartbrokenly.
Very few had even known she was expecting. Now this. She and her husband would have to grieve in silence. All her husband's and her hopes of lovingly parenting this child, dashed.
All the above is a condensed composite of what some may feel due to miscarriage or other types of child loss. Sometimes, when other folks do know of the miscarriage or stillbirth they might say to the raw-with-bereavement, parents, innocently enough, "Never mind, you can try again."
Small comfort. Very small comfort. In fact, it's hurtful. It's as if that one life didn't matter - life is cheap, there's more where that came from...
Or maybe, the friends and family just don't understand the sudden melancholy of the couple because they didn't know the cause.
This is the issue that Clara Hinton discusses in her book, Silent Grief. She herself (and her husband), experienced such grief, so she knows the range of emotions: deep sorrow, anger, bewilderment, etc. that threaten to overwhelm fathers and mothers, the world over, who have endured their loss (es), very often, in silence.
Like, "out of sight, out of mind". Others might think, "aren't they over that, yet?!" It (not, he or she) was not even a full-term-live and wriggly-in-your-arms baby. What's the deal?"
Or, it may come across that the couple feels folks just don't care and so the grief goes further inward and silent. On the contrary, Hinton says, folks do care but because they may never have experienced child loss, they just don't understand and are not sure how to comfort.
Hinton does reveal some ways for parents to cope and sheds light that the "sun will shine again despite the loss" and that grief may lessen despite never quite going away.
The author also addresses parents who have incidences of missing children and adult children who have "succumbed to accidents or illness". One of her examples is of King David's baby by Bathsheba, who died. She also interviews many men and women who have shed buckets of silent grief-tears in the inner sanctums of their homes.
What prompts me to share this particular book? A few days ago, my husband was watching the news, and I just so happened to catch a snatch of it which caught my attention. The news announcer spoke of some supermodel celebrity (can't recall which one) who'd recently had a miscarriage and wanted to share her story, virally. This, in the hopes of it helping others work through and overcome their grief, together; something that is not normally done, publicly but is repressed, often unhealthily, in private.
All the hopes, dreams and preparations in expectancy of a newborn, suddenly brought to a standstill; jolted and jerked, to a final stop. All the hopes and dreams for even a child who has now gone missing or died "too young"; all stopped. The the awful silence, unbearable.
The celebrity couple's trial reminded me of this book I'd read ever so long ago. I hope and pray that any one of you, my readers, in similar circumstance, will realize that you are not alone. That just maybe, you will be able to learn how to move from one day to the next with some relief and light to help you live on and give ways to enable your family and friends to understand you even a little bit.
Maybe also, friends and family could read this book and gain some insight as to why their friend or family member, who experienced her/his loss, is still grieving and is, perhaps, still, exhibiting "not normal" behavior. There is no time limit.
Well, shall leave that with you. Do try to find a copy of Silent Grief; read and gain comfort, gain understanding; gain empathy.
Heavenly Father, comfort one and all who have had the trauma of child loss in their lives. Comfort their aching hearts and empty arms. Father, bring the missing children home, alive. You weep with us because You love us and care about what happens to us. Bless and keep each one. In Jesus Name I ask.
Here're some Bible verses that may make a connection to your feelings:
Psalm10:1 (NIV)
"Why, LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
Psalm 5:1, 2, 11, 12 (NIV)
"Listen to my words, LORD, consider my lament. Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray...spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. Surely LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield."
May our Heavenly Father bring solace to you with His words.
~ERC October 2020~
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