In a Buddhist setting, so says Dr. K. Sri Dhammananda in his book What Buddhists Believe (Page 306),
"It is wise and advisable to be faithful to one spouse and not to be sensual and to run after other partners."
When the couple is living according to Buddha's Dharma, there should be no need of separation or divorce. However, Sri Dhammananda asserts that separation and/or divorce are not prohibited and are...
"...preferable to living a miserable family life for a long period of time for both partners and innocent children" (Page 307).
Sri Dhammananda adds...
"The institution of marriage provides a fine basis for the development of culture, a delightful association of two individuals to be nurtured, and to be free from loneliness, deprivation and fear. In marriage, each partner develops a complementary role, giving strength and moral courage to one another, each manifesting a supportive and appreciative recognition of the others' skills. There must be no thought of either man or woman being superior; each is complementary to the other, in a partnership of equality, exuding gentleness, self-control, respect, generosity, calm and dedication" (Page 307-308).
Very well put. Reread it. Reread it especially if you are married. Reread it especially if you are contemplating marriage.
If you are married, pinpoint the areas that need attention. Attend to them.
If you are contemplating marriage examine your idea and beliefs in those areas mentioned. How is your understanding along those lines?
Do you think, I mean, really, really, think you have attained any of those aspects? Do you really think you can move towards those areas of complementing your 'to-be' husband or wife? If not, what will you do about it? Still rush in? Or reassess? Marriage is for a lifetime!
Let me inter-postulate here that for followers of Jesus Christ, marriage is until Jesus comes, or indeed until death do you part.
God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16).
Separation only if wife (or husband) and children are in danger from the other spouse.
Are you prepared to persevere until the end? To get right with God and with each other? By God's grace, you can. But can you with the person you are already contemplating on marrying? Think carefully. Assess and bring to God in prayer. See what HIS interests are for you. Don't persist in your own.
If that man or woman you contemplate marrying does not belong to Christ, but you do, then that is expressly against God's will.
"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14 KJV)
Yes, he or she may be the sweetest, dearest person who wouldn't hurt a flea but when the rubber hits the road the individual's mindset comes from different perspectives. One would end up pulling from one direction and the other may compromise but would tend to pull according to God's way and very well may be the opposite direction.
Conflict. Yes there are so many issues in a marriage but this is a primal, foundational premise. From what ethos will you base your responses and conclusions? Will they be God-honoring? Or spouse pleasing? Or self-pleasing?
God did allow Moses of the Bible's Old Testament, to write a "bill of divorce" for the children of Israel (Deuteronomy 24; Mark 10:4-5). This was allowed due to the "hardness of the heart" of the one (s) wanting the divorce (Matthew 10:8).
Do you want a hard heart? May we be 'soft' before God. Forgiving. Not weak but meek. Submitting to God and then to each other.
Yes, it can be really tough at times. These are the times of challenge if you can get through then that "complementary role" will develop, deepen and sustain.
Truly see each other as equals!
Yet, for the Christian, the husband is to remember that the wife is the "weaker vessel" and he must not be harsh but show proper love. More on this subject was seen in Burning Quest - Part 36, Status of Women. Have a look. He must show love in action and she respect him and and yes, submit to him on top of the two submitting to each other (Ephesians 5:21, 33).
The root of the idea of marriage is essentially different between the Buddhist and the Christian concept.
The Buddhist views marriage as...
"...a social convention, an institution created by human beings, [emphasis mine] for their well-being and happiness...to maintain order and harmony in the process of procreation." (Page 305).
I want to highlight, "created by human beings". That is very much in contrast to "God instituted marriage". In Genesis we read God made Eve and gave her to Adam, Whom He had already created (Genesis 1:27-28; 2:19-25).
God created marriage. Jesus blessed a wedding in Cana of Galilee (John 2:1-11).
As Buddhists, according to Sri Dhammananda, do not believe in God nor creation, then someone had to get the ball rolling; thus giving the credit to human beings for the institution of marriage for procreation. God brought Adam and Eve together, then told them to...
"...be fruitful and multiply" ( Genesis 1:28),
...which was something they did obey (Genesis 4:12).
It was noted by Sri Dhammananda that monks usually don't marry, not because it is forbidden, rather so they may concentrate on their attaining Nirvana without distraction and to help fellow human beings along the way in life (Page 306).
The apostle Paul said similar, not about monks or nuns, but about those who wish to serve the Lord Jesus Christ and spread His message of love and salvation, and to build others up in their most holy faith. This would allow a concentrated effort without having to think of how one needs to please his/her wife/husband and children. Paul didn't mean it to be all exclusive or forbidden, he did not forbid anyone to marry. Just easier to serve, if one had not 'tied the knot' (1 Corinthians 7).
He calls the relationship between a husband and wife a "profound mystery" (Ephesians 5:22-23). He says it reflects as to what the relationship of Christ with the church should be.
Paul also expressly remarked about those who forbid marriage (1 Timothy 4:1-5)...
"Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons, through the insincerity of liars whose consciences are seared, who forbid marriage and require abstinence from foods that God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer."
We can be thankful for marriage which is made holy by the word of God and prayer.
Paul himself never married but he, directed by the Holy Spirit of God, never forbade it.
We know that the apostle Peter was a married man as there is indication his wife went with him on his mission work (1 Corinthians 9:5). She must have been a very supportive help-meet and an amazing woman of worth!
I want to interject here that in all my writings and comparisons of Buddhism with Christianity (followers of Jesus Christ) that I in no way mean to offend anyone. My hope and prayer is that any who read these words will be able to see the comparisons as well and be led to salvation through Jesus Christ.
There is a quotation that was sent to me by a friend and of which I do not know who the author is. It says,
"Salvation is a gift to be received, not a goal to be achieved."
That sums up the salvation question very adroitly, I believe. Humbly I pray and hope all can see this truth of God and also of the matter of the God-instituted institution of marriage.
May God bless you and your marriage!
~ERC September 2018~
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