Depression can descend upon the best of us, but the kind that overwhelms for great lengths of time is a serious matter. When it happens to a friend and they seek help, what can be done?
They say happiness is a choice but you can't just knock incessantly on the door of your friend's emotional dark places like a woodpecker on a tree, and tell them to "snap out of it and get happy." That'd make matters worse and alienate you from your friend.
What Harold J. Sala says in his book Counseling Friends in Need, makes sense to me. He says both the spiritual and emotional life of a person gets affected and cannot be separated when trying to help your friend recover. These are often triggered due to a physical condition, say like a terminal illness or as would be generally known, a life crisis.
So the counseling friend needs to discover "What the problem really is and what's causing it." Sala says. Looking into each of the areas: physical, spiritual and emotional will be a start.
Is there suppressed anger? What is causing that? It could be from a longstanding problem of abuse or trauma from childhood. No instant fix cure is going to occur, generally speaking. Inroads can be made though, with discovery.
In a loveless marriage, for instance, one may find the hopelessness of being "stuck" because the friend vowed on the wedding day "for better or for worse" they'd stay. This can well lead to depression.
Secret habits or problems of addictions or illegal practices, which enter the spiritual realm create depression. Guilty consciences eat at the person, and down they go.
Depression often manifests itself in doubts about does the Lord or my spouse even care? Jesus said He'd be with us "always, even to the end of the age" (see Matthew 28:20). Scripture reiterates this in Hebrews 13:5-6, that the Lord "will never leave [us] nor forsake [us]". He further promises to be our helper. Memorizing these verse could be a big help, as they feed the soul and spirit.
A Christian spouse has made a promise to be committed to their spouse "until Jesus comes and/or death do us part." Yet the depressed person can come to doubt this continuance. Being reassured by the spouse could help.
With the understanding of what's going on in your friend-in-need's life, that's going to be first stages in an ongoing process towards alleviating the depression and hopefully overcoming it.
Getting back to the idea of happiness being a choice, here's what Sala wrote ...
"A person's emotions are controlled by the will, and the decision to hold on to reality goes a long way toward breaking through depression" (page 172).
Just the fact that a friend has chosen to come to you, shows some willingness to choose happiness. Equipped with some of the "investing tools" mentioned above, together, you and Your friend and the Lord will very likely find that breakthrough.
My confidence and hope in saying that is based on Mr. Sala's - the one with much greater experience than mine, which is at a pittance level. So I'd give his advice a try.
Singing praise and recounting ways in which the Lord's goodness, mercy and ways that have helped in the past could also be part of the 'cure'. I know first hand, this to be true. A friend once gave me a lovely, pink notebook. In it I made the decision to record at least one thing, no matter how small, that had been good that day. At the end of a week I could look back and see all those good things. After a month, wow! Praise to the Lord was then the response of the heart and an uplifting of the spirit.
The thick notebook had gotten filled full to the brim, cover to cover, with a couple of years' worth of goodness. That was a few years ago now and I still occasionally peep inside to remind myself of God's goodness, faithfulness and blessings to me.
Since then, until now, the depths of dark despair and depression lifted. Yes, there are times we all falter, and the depression hangs like a mist passing by a mountain but seeing God's goodness in our lives lifts us up.
Don't bite off more than you can chew though, when helping a friend, Sala cautions. Some things really do need a professional's help. For instance if the problem is a physical one, a doctor may need to do a thorough examination to rule out the physical or determine if treatment is needed. If it is due to a 'secret' then the sin of it needs repentance, confession and accountability and even restitution where needed. The Lord's forgiveness is there.
Pray that your friend is willing to choose to commit to the whole process towards overcoming their depression and finding happiness not just in the relief but in Jesus Christ as well. It is in Him we followers of Jesus Christ live, move and have our being.
Jesus, I choose to have the burden of depression lifted from this day onward. Together with my friend, I make this choice and will be committed to having that victory in You. I do need Your help though in overcoming. I ask it in Your name, amen.
~ ERC March 2025 ~
Based on Matthew 28:20 and Hebrews 13:5-6. Also, Counseling Friends in Need by Harold J. Sala, Chapter 8 - Using the Bible to Counsel Emotional Problems, pages 168-172.
Sing, You Raise Me Up along with Selah.
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