Misunderstandings - Counsel Chap 7

 Misunderstandings can wreck a relation - ship faster than a vessel hitting an iceburg.  A word or words misspoken and those could be the last words you'll ever hear for years on end from said person.

As opposed to,

" A word fitly spoken [being] like apples of gold in settings of silver"                   (Proverbs 25:11 ESV).

There's a valley in Nova Scotia (NS), Canada in which apples grow abundantly.  They are beautiful as their trees blossom, and beautiful as the fruit ripens.  The apples are wondrous to crunch into too - juicey and sweet.

"Apples of gold" would be a bit difficult to sink your teeth into but the simile is parallel and akin to those NS apples.  I think anyone can get this picture - no room for misunderstanding. Aha.

Given the character of our human nature, misunderstanding others is a given.  People often have pre-conceived ideas, sterotyping, ones' childhood evnvironment, upbringing and teachings based on parents' misinformation or lack of proper guidance and so on and so forth of a vicious circle of misunderstandings compounded and recycled.

For example, one man told me, "You're not at all what I thought you would be!"  I took it as a weird sort of compliment but was never exactly quite sure of his meaning.  He had originally pinned me with a stereotyping based on my skin color that was the 'odd one out' in his country.  I supposed he'd encountered people of my tone and expected me to be 'just like them'.

My Dad told my siblings and I on more than one occasion, that when a couple gets married, six people are actually getting married.  First there's who each one believes they are in themselves.  That makes two people.  Next is what each one thinks the other is; usually the rosy-colored tinted variety.  That makes two more.  Lastly, the person each one actually is.  That's another two making the total six.

With all this there is bound to be misunderstanding upon misunderstanding.  And then they meet the in-laws!  Relationships zipping and zapping in all directions with all those pre-conceived notions.  Guess how that gets sorted out?  You could likely write a book about it.

So I believe that most relationship problems stem from this and the sin of selfishness of believing you are someone you are not.  This is why we NEED the Lord and His intervention.  

Seek the Lord to find out who you really are.  The revelations may stun you but our Lord is gracious and in the healing business.  Seek His forgiveness with your repentance.

When we figure this out in on-going process then we can help others discover these things for themselves.  Often as we help that friend in need come to terms with their problems we can mention these things, as we seek to be good listeners with greater empathy.

For marriages and family relationships and relationships in general, with neighbors, colleagues, church members, friends and the like, these are true.

It has been really helpful for me to read Harold J. Sala's words in his book Counseling Friends in Need.  He wrote,

"... one of the goals of counseling is to help your friend see himself or herself as he or she really is.  Another goal is to help your friend see the situation from a mate's point of view (or the viewpoint of the person with whom there is conflict).  A third goal, and most important of all, is for your friend to see the issue from God's perspective, which then give the motivation necessary to initiate changes that will result in forgiveness and the restoration of broken relationships."

Sala continues,

"Clear communication is vital for resolving broken relationships.  Every time a person makes a statement there are three components:

What you said (the face valueof the statement)

What you meant to say (which may not be what you actually said)

What you implied (which you may not have actually said at all)."

Does this make sense to you?  It explains a lot to me.

Think of the scenario of giving a friend a lovely, fragrant bar of soap.  They take offense because they thought you were indirectly telling them you think they are stinky and need a shower.  Actually, you just wanted to share the wonderful smell because you yourself love it.

See how things can get distorted?  You've probably experienced this type of scenario before yourself and been at both ends of the scale at one time or another.

Take a minute to reread that quotation above and ponder it.  The various combinations can create communication break down, whether it's statements spoken or unspoken ... thus misunderstanding occurs.

We need to slow down and consider what people are actually saying to us.  Also, what we say to others - how will they perceive it?  Being careful with our words is essential but doesn't always rule out how the hearer will react or respond.  But it hopefully will help. 

May our words be 'apples of gold,' fitly spoken.  May our Jehovah Rapha bring healing to all our relationsips.  He is the one who heals (see Exodus 15:26).

                                                ~ERC  February 2025 ~

Based on Proverbs 25:11 ESV and Counseling Friends in Need by Harold J. Sala.

Note:  Quote taken from Chapter 7 - Using the Bible to Counsel Relationship Problems, pages 135-136.

Sing:  Wonderful Words of Life, along with Joslin Grove Choral.