Things I've learned from Harold J. Sala in his counseling book.*
When friends tell us of problems they have in their lives or even shocking revelations of sin in their lives, or even in a hindsight look at yourself, it is important to specifically identify the root problem.
If the person sincerely wants to confess and you feel you are that empathetic, listening friend who could help, finding that root cause is needful. Otherwise, how can the person be helped? It would be like only treating the symptoms of an illness and not the cause.
So as the would-be counselor listens, he or she may need to probe for the source. From there it is good to lead the friend to recognize his or her options and their consequences, and then to move on to do nothing or to do different positive actions of healiing and restitution, as painful as they may be. It 's best not to pinpoint these for the friend, Sala says, but rather to let them realize them for themself.
Why?
It's recommended that these come from a willing heart of self-revelation despite being guided to those conclusions.
For example, when you review King David's failure. That is, the adultery with Bathsheba. We do not read of Bathsheba being being raked over the coals for her indescretions but of David being confronted by Nathan.
Nathan didn't hone in and tell David right off the bat that it was him nor of what to do about it. NO. He told David an allegory story and David at first didn't recognize himself in the story but he was angry at it and pronounced judgement upon the perpetrator.
That's when Nathan pinpointed, "You are that man!" Speaking truth in love, Nathan was able to effectively say so.
David immediately did 'get it' and was very repentant. Irreversible damage had been done, but David did realize his sin and made his confession to God. He still had to suffer consequences (see 2 Samuel 12:10-24:25).
Other examples from Scripture are Peter and John Mark. Peter had denied he knew Jesus. Oh, he was adamant about it! I think he was scared and lacked the courage to own up. Jesus eventually restored him and he was used mightily to preach the gospel of Jesus thereafter. Thousands came to Christ through him (see Acts 4;14-42 & 10:44-48).
John Mark hadn't had what it took to stick it out on a mission trip with Paul and Barnabus. He hightailed it home mid-mission. Yet, later on, Paul's remark was that John Mark was 'useful' to the ministry. John Mark had learned some lessons (see 2 Timothy 4:11).
These instances are not so bad as the adultery-cum-murder that David instigated but many in this day and age live similar sexually immoral lives, and/or with other types of lives such as of dishonesty and living double lives. Are we to the point of being contrite, wanting to confess and be helped out of it? We must make sure we recognize our own sin, the options and the consequences of continuing on the wrong path vs repentance and restitution.
Don't rush to it if you are the friend wanting to help your friend in need. Allow time and space for your friend to come to terms of what he or she needs to do for themself. Give your support and encouragement, going along beside them. This is the path of greater, truer healing.
Another huge aspect of this is when the offender confesses their sin to the offended, seeking forgiveness. May the offended find the grace to be able to forgive. This is tough but it is important to extend this forgiveness.
(No doubt it could take time thereafter to build up trust in the offender especially in cases of adultery and incest, but it is a help towards one's own healing as well as in the offenders'.)
Harold J. Sala who wrote Counseling Friends in Need and on which this blog piece is based, said, quoting a Frank Pittman,
"Infidelity is the primary disrupter of families, the most dreaded and devastating experience in a marriage, and the most universally accepted justification for divorce."
Sala notes,
"...but unfaithfulness doesn't have to end in divorce".I think this is a profound statement.
Sala continues ...
"When people forgive each other, seek God's healing power, and rebuild the bridges of communication, a broken marriage can be helped."
In the example of a couple Sala used in his book, the husband and wife did seek that forgiveness and it was granted. Their marriage was saved. It was not an easy fix, mind you. They had had to have time to travel their road to that positive outcome. These things can be very challenging but not impossible.
It can, by God's grace, be possible for you too.
May our heavenly Father grant it to be so in your life as you surrender your lives to Him.
So be it.
~ERC August 2024 ~
*NOTE: Please note that the above message is very much based on the book Counseling Friends in Need, Chapter 4. Author Harold J. Sala.
Sing, A Beautiful Life (Breakthrough).
